The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
