So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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