Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
