fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
