I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
