Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
