My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
