Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
