Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
this will be a night to untag.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
