i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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