I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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