yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
