I think I died a long time ago.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
