Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
