I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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