got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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