he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
