In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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