The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
