Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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