so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
