just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
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