i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i will never coherently bang her
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
