her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
