oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i will never coherently bang her
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
