I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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