i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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