did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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