don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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