He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
