Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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