WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Randomize
