Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Randomize
