He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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