Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
