I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
