I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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