I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
