So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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