I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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