Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
