I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize