Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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