Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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