Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
