I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
