the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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