Acid is not a monday night drug
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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