What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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