There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Please, let me fuck your mom
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
