wanna go halves on a baby?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He? As in you personified your dick?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
