I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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