my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
